I had to get out of my hotel. 

It would do me no good.

Am I ever going to get out of this room? 

It wasn’t quite a song. 

But the question spurred me to action. 

Get out now before you merge with the fucking furniture.

I needed to get some clothes in the Extra Large section of a clothes shop in a small department store across the road from me.

I knew they would fit.

I had Buckley’s chance at the normal department stores.

Here was my chance to upgrade to a collared shirt.

And perhaps a pair of jeans.

I’m here to buy a camouflage outfit.

The terrorists are after me. 

Anna, the young Muslim sales lady just wasn’t prepared for an onslaught like this.

She had been half asleep when I entered. It was nearing 7 pm.

I knew the shop closed around 10 pm.

Ruby the older of the two sales ladies smiled as if to say, ‘I knew you would be back.’

I had checked out this section over three weeks ago.

Usually  tourists are long gone in that time. They breeze in, see a longhouse and perhaps feed the orang-utans, then they leg it out of here, to their next destination.

They are after me.

Who are after you?

The terrorists. 

Eventually, I bought some jeans and a nice dress shirt, they both actually fitted.

Thanks so much, I said to Anna who was happy with a sale. The shop is in the basement and doesn’t get much traffic. She was grateful for the sales.

Also Ruby sold me two cheap belts to keep my pants up.

And she blew me a kiss. Man, she has a nice set of knockers on her.That much I knew.

As I was saying Anna, congratulations. You passed.

Passed what?

She was even more confused now, the poor thing.

The moment I walked into her life, her nightmares began. 

The mystery shopping.

From where?

Let's say it’s all a bit secret. I really wouldn’t want to breach my contract by telling you.

I had shown her my passport.

'You aren't anti-Muslim are you?'

You don't go into areas I go by being unsympathetic to them, I said. She still wasn't convinced.

I had gone into the story of a dodgy Malay who has fueled thousands of fanciful words. 

I had given her a brief rundown on extremist violence in the region.

I even mentioned Abu Sayyaf. 

Apparently I pronounced it wrong because big tit Rudy corrected me.

I had a fucking ball and got a new set of clothes in the bargain. 

I was trying to zap the previous conversation by mentioning Mystery Shopper. I’m not sure if it worked but Ruby wasn’t moved one bit. She has met her fair share of crazos and I was one of a long list of big sized foreigners with inferiority complexes who have visited the basement to find clothes that actually fucking fit them. 

The Malays are big, so I knew the clothes would be there.

‘Obese, very obese,’ says Anna.

Thank fucking Jesus Christ for that.

Shopping isn’t shopping if you don’t engage. 

‘That you certainly did,’ said Anna who tipped me she was off tomorrow.

Was that a hint to see her the next day? 

Anna could see my new jeans were falling.

She ran over to a table and picked up a piece of string underneath it.

I used it as a belt. 

‘Fits perfect.’

Ruby and Anna worked really hard for this sale.

They deserve a noble prize for their patience.

Malaysians are consummate professionals in the workplace. 

I should know, I’ve pushed the limit maybe too many times. 


Popular Posts