Covid destroyed my industry. Out of work, addicted to porn and speed, I’d have to remedy the dearth of fun in my life with a swift decision.
Road Kill Tour.
If Covid denied me humping road cases.
I’d just have to find my road cases to hump.
That was my answer.
A self funded trip across the continent.
Call it my initiation.
The desert was calling.
There would be no escaping it.
Head east, across the Nullarbor.
Desert.
Head north, Tropic of Capricorn bound.
Yep, the desert again.
The only thing dividing the east and west coast?
Yep, the desert again.

I’ve been a roadster for 13 years now. You just can’t shut me up.
I talk and talk and talk some more. The more you talk the better you talk. Trust me, I’m getting good. A friend, a fellow telemarketer, calls me The Long Talker. I talk long. And I talk big. Alright, I’m a roadster, not a telemarketer. The only interaction I have with telemarketers these days is ringing them up and abusing them. That’s not entirely true. I ring up my stock broker and abuse him, telling him he is nothing but a useless telemarketer.

I know I’m good. I have a friend. He’s a writer. And he says I’m good. He says I’m Hunter Thompson. He might be right. The Hunter Thompson of South East Asia. Well I also call myself the Ugly Australian. Hunter was the Ugly American. When I’m not coming in my pants, I’m coming on the naval button of fine Asian whores. In Asia, I feel young. In Australia, there isn’t a term to use how I feel. So I resort to porn. Porn is a pacifier. It allays any fears, ramps up the testererone, with the help of a little dopamine tickle, and that only responds to high grade methamphetamines.
See, I told you, I’m a roadster. I hump road cases for a living. Alright, I don’t fuck road cases. I hump them. Push, pull. ‘Throw that fucking thing and make it fly,’ I tell the boys, when we are stacking lights, two cases high. They are heavy fuckers. The aim is this, slam the cunt in. Ram it in. Better still, with four lads heaving away on each corner, aim to take the wall down at the end of the semi. Just fucking smash it. Don’t worry if you break those expensive lights. It’s not yours. It’s yours, only to fucking destroy, to smash. See, there are joys in being a roadster. I’m gunna wreck it, yep, stolen from the School of Wreck it Ralph.

Popular Posts